Old men and throwing up are my life now.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
