I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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