The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
