Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
