hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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