just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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