Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
