But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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