im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
a search helicopter?!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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