Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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