well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
