its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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