so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
