Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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