i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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