watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
