If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
