I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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