It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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