You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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