She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
