We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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