1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
it's great music for shaving your balls
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
