OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
