alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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