just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
