i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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