I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize