Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
