you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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