As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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