And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
