I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
