I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
