You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize