I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
