Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
