I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
