My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I deserve this hangover.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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