Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
