how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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