Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
