Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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