I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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