I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
