my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
