because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
