so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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