she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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