I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
