um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
