my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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