It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
