True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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