Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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