im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
