and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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