i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
