So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
