Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
