NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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