i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
