Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
