the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
